How To Party All Night If You’re Basically A Grandma

If you’re here reading this story, there’s a good chance you have plans to get lit tonight. Maybe you RSVP’d yes to too many parties and now are trying to figure out how you’re going to make it to all of them? Or perhaps you’re going out with some of your wilder friends and are worried you won’t be able to keep up with their antics. Or you could be planning an all-night sex romp with your partner. There’s just one problem: You’re basically a grandma.

Some of us have a really hard time going out at night, because we get tired, bored, or just drunk fast. Sadly, social lives don’t always begin at 5 p.m. the way we’d like them to, and sometimes you do have to pull it together and attempt to stay alive after the sun goes down.

If that’s you, we’re not here to judge. Staying in instead of going out is a luxury, and is honestly pretty responsible of you. Having a consistent bedtime is like rule #1 of sleep hygiene. But if you need some night-owl pointers for those special nights when you decide to go out, ahead are some ways to survive without being that jerk attempting to swallow yawns at the club.

Don’t drink any alcohol.

Alcohol is a depressant, meaning it makes your nervous system relax overall, and it also makes you sleepy. If your goal is to make it to the end of a party, then you might want to consider just not drinking at all. You can still have fun at a party while you’re sober, and you’ll probably remember more of the antics in the morning since you’re not getting wasted.

illustrated by Paola Delucca.

Drink lots of water between each drink.

If you choose to drink alcohol at a party, then do your body a favor and drink at least a glass of water between each drink. Alcohol is a diuretic, meaning it makes you urinate more, which can dehydrate you. To counteract that effect, keep filling yourself up with water so you won’t get drunk as quickly.

illustrated by Paola Delucca.

Opt for low-alcohol cocktails.

Luckily for you, low-alcohol or “session” cocktails are all the rage right now. Meant to be sipped over a long period of time, these drinks typically contain low-alcohol by volume (ABV) alcohols, or very small amounts of standard-ABV alcohol. Sipping on a low-alcohol drink will again keep you more alert and sober than your usual cocktails.

illustrated by Paola Delucca.

Eat a big meal.

When you drink on a full stomach, you’ll get intoxicated slower, and feel less hungover the next morning. So, be sure to actually eat dinner before going out. Also, if you feel yourself getting sleepy at the dark bar, be the one to suggest everyone gets late-night pizza. Not only will the food help slow the alcohol entering your bloodstream, but the carb-rich snack will give you energy.

illustrated by Paola Delucca.

Order caffeine.

No one is going to know or care that you’re drinking a straight-up Diet Coke instead of a rum and Coke, so listen to your body and caffeinate when you need it. Most people can handle 400 mg of caffeine per day, which is equal to four cups of coffee, so keep that in mind if you usually drink caffeine during the day, too.

illustrated by Paola Delucca.

Take a “disco nap.”

On a regular day, it would be ill-advised to take a nap so close to your bedtime, because it could impact your ability to fall asleep at night. But on a night when you know you’ll be out later than usual, it might be necessary. Take a 20-30 minute nap before going out, aka a “disco nap,” so at least you get some shut eye.

illustrated by Paola Delucca.

Redefine what “party” means to you.

Reminder: You don’t have to go out to parties if that’s not what you find energizing and enjoyable. If you find it draining to be around people all the time, then you have every right to have a night to yourself. Know yourself and what you can handle, and if you’re someone who struggles with social anxiety, honor your feelings and do whatever you need. Or if it gets to be too much at the party and you have to bail, just make plans with your friends in an environment you prefer.

illustrated by Paola Delucca.

Buy Pedialyte just in case.

Pedialyte, the clinical-grade hydrating solution that babies drink when they’re sick, is magical for hangovers, because it contains electrolytes that help you re-hydrate. While some people drink it the morning after drinking, others drink it at night after they’ve been drinking. If you know you have to be up early, it could make your inevitable hangover feel less severe.

illustrated by Paola Delucca.

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